Crazy Lately

Life is crazy lately. I’ve had two research proposals, an article, and a presentation to finish on top of the normal class/cume/lab schedule, making for a really insane week. I have a few deadlines coming up, but I am sure it’ll be better when I get past these. I am really excited about moving to a new apartment (where I can use the kitchen). I know April will be rocky, but we’ll get through it. I miss Jeremy a lot lately, as well as the cat. I wish things were different, but such is life. I think that it will make us stronger in the end if it doesn’t tear us apart now. I especially need his support through the next few years. I also miss my parents, though I talk to them regularly. I am tired tonight, but I have gotten some laundry done. Tomorrow night I’ll get to see Jeremy and then maybe I’ll get to head home Friday night. I’m off to finish essays. Maybe I’ll get funded eventually.

Here’s To 2008

It’s a beautiful day on the mountain–the sun is out and the weather is breezy. It’s my last “day off,” but I am really excited to be going back to school Sunday. I know it is my last semester at Piedmont, but it doesn’t feel like it. I think it’ll be a good semester, though, since I’m taking a few hours less than my 20+ norm. I plan to use some of my free time to work on my senior work, and also to visit departments.

The next few months will be exciting, stressful, happy, and sad. I hope that I can truly enjoy every moment since these will be the last before my next transition. I know I’m an “adult,” but I don’t really feel like it and I don’t know when I will. Sometimes the details of everyday life get in my way and can become slightly overwhelming, such as thinking about where I’ll live, how I’ll pay rent, or if I’ll have a “real job” someday. It’s kind of a scary feeling because I know that I should feel prepared and with it, but, many times, I lack confidence when reality comes knocking. I know that it is just something I need to work on, and I plan to work on many of these things in 2008. I will probably be teaching next fall and I need to be confident, not only for myself, but for those that I will have the chance to reach through my job. I will have others looking to me for guidance and leadership, and I need to believe in myself before they can believe in me.

I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel “adult” and “with it,” but I am a work in progress. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not molded or changed in some slight way by those around me, and I need to be thankful that my life it so terribly sweet and good. I have a wonderful family, quirky though they may be, and great friends. I have all of the material luxuries that a girl can dream of, and so much more than I’ll ever deserve.

I think my biggest goal in 2008 is to become a more grateful and loving person. And also to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I try to remain humble by playing down my accomplishments, but I now realize that I can be proud of my past without being boastful. I have definitely done my share of work (there, I said it), but I have also had the most amazing supporting cast in the world. I see my accomplishments not as just my own, but also as a product of my parents’ love, my family’s support, my professors’ patience, and Jeremy’s faith in me. I believe that God has His own reasons for all things that occur in my life and that I should learn, grow, and evolve with every triumph and defeat. He has given me so very much, and I know that He expects much from me in this life. I am only human, and I will always be flawed, but I can use my faith to become more for Him.

I look forward to 2008 as a year of laughter, learning, and as an opportunity to grow in my faith. I want to keep my attitude positive despite challenging circumstances, which will be a challenge in and of itself since I am prone to melancholia and depression. But I know that I am strong, that I’ve got some great people working on my side (The Big Guy included), and I should cling to this like a lifeline.

Here’s to 2008.

For Jeremy

Home
By Vanessa Carlton

Some people live in a house on a hill
And they wish they were someplace else
There’s nobody there when the evening is still
Secrets with no one to tell

And some I have known
Have a ship where they sleep
With sounds of rocks on the coast
They sail over oceans five fathoms deep
They can’t find what they want the most

And even now
When I’m alone
I’ve always known
With you
I am home

And some live in towns
Cardboard shack on concrete
All blustered, and bustling life
They search for the color
You can never quite see
‘Cause it’s all white on white

And even now
When I’m alone
I’ve always known
With you
I am home

And even now
When I’m alone
I’ve always known
With you
I am home

For me it’s a glimpse
And a smile on your face
A touch of your hands
An honest embrace

For where I lay, it’s you I keep
This changing world
And fall asleep
With you all I know is
I’m coming home
Coming home

Christmas

Christmastime always wears on me, but it can also be a bit refreshing. I enjoy the family time, but I think the best part is looking forward to the New Year. I had a great Christmas, though, and got way more than I ever deserved. I really didn’t do much this year for folks, but they seemed to outdo themselves. I appreciate it though. Among my spoils include: Pyrex casserole dishes w/personalized cover, two sets of my St. Moritz Wedgwood china (absolutely beautiful), a new leather wallet, a stocking full of goodies, cool books including a cookbook, kitchen implements, a Thermos caraffe, teas and coffees, new clothes, and much more. So, I definitely made out like a bandit, not to mention that I had a good time with the families (Johnsons and Adamses). Jeremy has been amazing. Aside from dealing with my bad moods, he also got me a beautiful gift–a gorgeous watch. I have needed one for so long. I always felt a bit less confident that I didn’t have a nice timepiece to wear at professional conferences or presentations, but now I have a very nice one. I really appreciate practical gifts like this, especially since he took the time to pick it out himself. That means so much.

I have been quite Scroogish this holiday season for reasons I’m not entirely sure of myself. It just hadn’t felt very Christmasy until yesterday between the weather and the stress of trying to find something special for each person. I think I did well with my gifts to people, though. I know it’s not supposed to be all about the gifts, but I do try to put a lot of thought into what I give to people to try to show them that I do care. It makes me happy to give people something that they’ll actually use and enjoy.

But my mood has been despicable lately and I know I just need to get over things. I think it’s partly because this break is so excruciating. I know most people would love this much time off, but it just about makes me crazy–I can’t stand not feeling productive. I’d much rather be studying or writing or cogitating than “breaking.” It doesn’t help that January and February will be the months where I’ll actually get to visit graduate school campuses and I won’t know anything more until then. Friends have told me that this waiting is the worst part. I know that I’ve been accepted to two of my top three schools, Clemson and UGA, which is definitely a relief, especially since they accepted me so very early. I am hoping to get decent offers from both, either teaching or research assistanceships. I don’t know that I’ll qualify for any fellowships since my GRE scores were low, but I am always hopeful. 

I know that I should practice living in the moment and not take any moment for granted, but it is so hard when the rest of my life is so close. I feel like everything that I want has been put on hold until I finish my undergrad degree–I can’t focus on research and I certainly can’t take part in any serious life-altering events (I’d lose my scholarships). But I can take comfort that the end of this is only four months away, which will fly by I’m sure. It is good and bad. Good that it’ll be another chapter of my education coming to a close, leading into another. Bad that I’ll be leaving behind some of my favorite people. I know that I love school, especially my professors. They have helped me in more ways than they’ll ever know, and I’m immensely grateful to them for it. I have been so blessed in my friendships. They all have molded and shaped me into the person that I am today without fully realizing their influence. I have been very lucky to have such a great support system.

This time of year always makes me nostalgic and introspective. I am always living in the past or the future, never in the present, and I know that this is a flaw of mine. Because there is so much beauty that I miss out on in the present.

Like this.

And this.

It really is all about spending time with those you care about.

I need to go work on my New Year’s resolutions. Much love.

Love and Christmastime

 Senior research and physical chemistry now own all of my free time.

Family time is good.

Jeremy is wonderful.

I miss Heather and Katie.

I get really lonely here on campus, so I leave as often as possible.

I’m a dork. But I’m hopeful.

Love and Christmastime will save me from this melancholy.

More later.

For Serious

 So…life is stressful. To the max. And wonderful. And frustrating beyond belief sometimes.

I feel like I work and work and fight and work and still get nowhere. What I do doesn’t matter to people.

Not to mention incredible stress from other things that I will not mention here.

I wish things happened in my life the way they happen in my dreams.

Instead, I’m left feeling inadequate and unworthy. Just a toy for people. Not worth a true commitment.

God help me, I need it. I really do.

Some days it’s all I can do not to cry.

There are things I want in life, but some days I feel like the world’s pressing against me, wishing for me to fail. 

I am such a weak person. So weak and spineless.

I have such wonderful friends. I’m afraid that they would hate me if they knew the real me.

I wish I was worthy of my God’s love. I wish I was a better person.

Getting Better Everyday

 ”Desperate for words, lost in a maze,
It fell apart, I lost my place,
It hurt so bad, I cried for days
Time healed all pain, now I’m okayI’ll rise from all my sorrow,
Let the sun shine on my face

All alone in comfort,
It’s my solitude I will embrace

I will rise from the sorrow…”

From “Quicksand” by Natalie Walker

It’s not always easy, but it’s still getting better everyday. I am working hard and playing hard. More info later when I’ve got less homework.

Love

God does answer prayers.

I will try harder. Because we belong together.

This week has gotten better already.

God Help Me

I wonder how long I can hold out. He needs space and time to figure out what he wants.

My heart hurts and all I want is a big hug from him. It’s the only thing I want in this whole, wide world.

To have him tell me that everything’s okay. And that we’ll work it out.

I know people will tell me just to get over it. 

But, the funny thing is, I don’t want to. 

I know what I want. But he doesn’t.

And I have to respect that.

As painful as this is.

I think I’ve lost my best friend…at least until he wants to talk again.

God help me. I need love right now. God, I need love right now.

They tell you from birth to dream big and that you can do anything you want.

They never said that, if you dream too big, you’ll be dreaming it alone.

99

Sometimes I feel like running away.

But then I realize I’d still be in my own head and that it wouldn’t help.

I’ll write about this week when it is over. It’s too much to wrap my head around right now.