Here’s To 2008

It’s a beautiful day on the mountain–the sun is out and the weather is breezy. It’s my last “day off,” but I am really excited to be going back to school Sunday. I know it is my last semester at Piedmont, but it doesn’t feel like it. I think it’ll be a good semester, though, since I’m taking a few hours less than my 20+ norm. I plan to use some of my free time to work on my senior work, and also to visit departments.

The next few months will be exciting, stressful, happy, and sad. I hope that I can truly enjoy every moment since these will be the last before my next transition. I know I’m an “adult,” but I don’t really feel like it and I don’t know when I will. Sometimes the details of everyday life get in my way and can become slightly overwhelming, such as thinking about where I’ll live, how I’ll pay rent, or if I’ll have a “real job” someday. It’s kind of a scary feeling because I know that I should feel prepared and with it, but, many times, I lack confidence when reality comes knocking. I know that it is just something I need to work on, and I plan to work on many of these things in 2008. I will probably be teaching next fall and I need to be confident, not only for myself, but for those that I will have the chance to reach through my job. I will have others looking to me for guidance and leadership, and I need to believe in myself before they can believe in me.

I don’t know when or if I’ll ever feel “adult” and “with it,” but I am a work in progress. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not molded or changed in some slight way by those around me, and I need to be thankful that my life it so terribly sweet and good. I have a wonderful family, quirky though they may be, and great friends. I have all of the material luxuries that a girl can dream of, and so much more than I’ll ever deserve.

I think my biggest goal in 2008 is to become a more grateful and loving person. And also to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I try to remain humble by playing down my accomplishments, but I now realize that I can be proud of my past without being boastful. I have definitely done my share of work (there, I said it), but I have also had the most amazing supporting cast in the world. I see my accomplishments not as just my own, but also as a product of my parents’ love, my family’s support, my professors’ patience, and Jeremy’s faith in me. I believe that God has His own reasons for all things that occur in my life and that I should learn, grow, and evolve with every triumph and defeat. He has given me so very much, and I know that He expects much from me in this life. I am only human, and I will always be flawed, but I can use my faith to become more for Him.

I look forward to 2008 as a year of laughter, learning, and as an opportunity to grow in my faith. I want to keep my attitude positive despite challenging circumstances, which will be a challenge in and of itself since I am prone to melancholia and depression. But I know that I am strong, that I’ve got some great people working on my side (The Big Guy included), and I should cling to this like a lifeline.

Here’s to 2008.

Baby, Baby

Oh, Johnson & Johnson. Why must you make baby commercials that make me cry?

That’s a sad, sad confession, I know. But it’s true. I love babies.

Tomorrow I’m off to see the other side of the family. I can’t wait till New Years. Maybe I’ll post some of my resolutions soon.

Christmas

Christmastime always wears on me, but it can also be a bit refreshing. I enjoy the family time, but I think the best part is looking forward to the New Year. I had a great Christmas, though, and got way more than I ever deserved. I really didn’t do much this year for folks, but they seemed to outdo themselves. I appreciate it though. Among my spoils include: Pyrex casserole dishes w/personalized cover, two sets of my St. Moritz Wedgwood china (absolutely beautiful), a new leather wallet, a stocking full of goodies, cool books including a cookbook, kitchen implements, a Thermos caraffe, teas and coffees, new clothes, and much more. So, I definitely made out like a bandit, not to mention that I had a good time with the families (Johnsons and Adamses). Jeremy has been amazing. Aside from dealing with my bad moods, he also got me a beautiful gift–a gorgeous watch. I have needed one for so long. I always felt a bit less confident that I didn’t have a nice timepiece to wear at professional conferences or presentations, but now I have a very nice one. I really appreciate practical gifts like this, especially since he took the time to pick it out himself. That means so much.

I have been quite Scroogish this holiday season for reasons I’m not entirely sure of myself. It just hadn’t felt very Christmasy until yesterday between the weather and the stress of trying to find something special for each person. I think I did well with my gifts to people, though. I know it’s not supposed to be all about the gifts, but I do try to put a lot of thought into what I give to people to try to show them that I do care. It makes me happy to give people something that they’ll actually use and enjoy.

But my mood has been despicable lately and I know I just need to get over things. I think it’s partly because this break is so excruciating. I know most people would love this much time off, but it just about makes me crazy–I can’t stand not feeling productive. I’d much rather be studying or writing or cogitating than “breaking.” It doesn’t help that January and February will be the months where I’ll actually get to visit graduate school campuses and I won’t know anything more until then. Friends have told me that this waiting is the worst part. I know that I’ve been accepted to two of my top three schools, Clemson and UGA, which is definitely a relief, especially since they accepted me so very early. I am hoping to get decent offers from both, either teaching or research assistanceships. I don’t know that I’ll qualify for any fellowships since my GRE scores were low, but I am always hopeful. 

I know that I should practice living in the moment and not take any moment for granted, but it is so hard when the rest of my life is so close. I feel like everything that I want has been put on hold until I finish my undergrad degree–I can’t focus on research and I certainly can’t take part in any serious life-altering events (I’d lose my scholarships). But I can take comfort that the end of this is only four months away, which will fly by I’m sure. It is good and bad. Good that it’ll be another chapter of my education coming to a close, leading into another. Bad that I’ll be leaving behind some of my favorite people. I know that I love school, especially my professors. They have helped me in more ways than they’ll ever know, and I’m immensely grateful to them for it. I have been so blessed in my friendships. They all have molded and shaped me into the person that I am today without fully realizing their influence. I have been very lucky to have such a great support system.

This time of year always makes me nostalgic and introspective. I am always living in the past or the future, never in the present, and I know that this is a flaw of mine. Because there is so much beauty that I miss out on in the present.

Like this.

And this.

It really is all about spending time with those you care about.

I need to go work on my New Year’s resolutions. Much love.

Cleared For Takeoff

I received a letter this morning from Clemson’s graduate coordinator and they are sending me an acceptance letter soon with information about an assistanceship. Talk about exciting news. I am really looking forward to visiting them and speaking with the members of the faculty that I have been in contact with via email. They seem genuinely excited to have me, which says a lot for a department. We shall see what unfolds in the next two months.

Two down, three to go.

I know Jeremy has had a long, rough week, so I’m hoping he’ll feel better after some time to himself. I hope to get the last of the presents wrapped this weekend and maybe I’ll start in on the cooking. I still am not quite sure what I will be fixing.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend if I don’t get a chance to update! 

Busy Bee

Thursday I went about baking cakes and other goodies for the upcoming parties–Mom’s bday and the family gathering on Sunday. I heard from Mom that night about my grades for this past semester. Luckily, all A’s. This pleases me because now my GPA’s back up to 3.91 from 3.89. Small difference, I know, but now I will graduate summa cum laude rather than magna.

I am typing this from Heather’s MacBook since I came down to the ‘Ville yesterday to visit with her. I went to the county Christmas party yesterday before heading down and was able to squick out with free food. I haven’t seen the Pleather in quite awhile and I’ve been needing some “girl-time” away from the fellas I normally roll with. It’s always fun to have dinner and watch insane movies with her. And the one we partook of last night was INSANE: Forbidden Zone. Yeah. Just go watch it. I cannot adequately describe the film using words. One must EXPERIENCE the Forbidden Zone. I think Heather is sucking me into her Oingo Boingo obsession, oddly enough.

Today, I plan to hang with the Pleath a bit and then head back home to have dinner with Mom. I took her her Orange Creamsicle cake yesterday as a surprise and she really seemed to like it. You can see pictures of it on my photos page. I also posted a pic of the Double-Chocolate Cheesecake I made. I think I’m going to keep pictures of all the foods I make so as to keep track of what was good and what was not so good. Maybe I’ll even post recipes later.

Tomorrow I will be with the familia paternus. It shall be fun. I haven’t seen them in so long.

So long for now! I’m off to prod Pleather with a very small hand on a stick(I told you–just go watch Forbidden Zone).

Working Hard and Working Out

So, I’ve been pretty busy lately getting settled here on campus. With the help of my parental units and cousin I finally have my room looking hospitable. 

I have been working out this week using both a cardio/weights video and a written weights routine for myself. I am sore all over, but it feels good. I figured since Jeremy was trying to get into shape that I might as well come up with a routine for myself. My goal is to do at least 30 min. a day of cardio and at least 3 sets of each exercise with weights, focusing on my problem areas (arms, thighs, stomach). Hopefully, I’ll start seeing results in a few weeks if I stick with it and continue my good eating habits.

I’ve only been to class for a week now and already I am enjoying my classes. It’s good to be back and I look forward to starting my senior research with Dr. Elrod soon. I am focused on finishing applications, studying a bit more for the GRE, and also on getting everything ready for the regional ACS meeting in Greenville, SC in October. All this and homework, too.

My cousin, Tye, passed away this past weekend from a lung infection–he was only 35. We are going to the memorial services on Saturday in McDonough, GA to support Ally. It came as quite a shock to us all, and he will be greatly missed.

Jeremy and I are giving blood on Saturday morning, too. It’ll be a busy day, I’m sure. But it’ll be good to spend time with family.

I am looking forward to Labor Day weekend and also to Fall Break, but I’ve got to get to work between now and then.

Off to physics lab. 

A Letter To My High School German Teacher

Guten tag, Herr Bradley!

I’ve missed you so much! How have you been? I have been quite busy lately, so I apologize for not keeping in touch. I finished my junior year at Piedmont this past May without my GPA suffering too much. I was quite nervous this past semester because I was taking biochemistry, organic chemistry II, instrumental analysis and a few math classes all at once, so I expected the worst during finals. Luckily my studying paid off and I made it out with A’s in my major classes and my only B in Calculus III (taught by a very hardcore teacher). My major is still chemistry, though I have tacked on a philosophy minor in addition to mathematics, much to the delight of my philosophy professor. My parents often joke that I should major in every major offered. Indeed, I have recently recognized my tendency to take on too much, leading to a condition of atypical depression that frequently leaves me either in a state of emotional paralysis or over-emotional ultra-sensitivity. I have taken steps to attempt to lessen the severity of these. I have also planned to take a lighter load next spring semester and then take most of next summer off to prevent complete burnout. 

Earlier this spring, I applied to several summer research programs and was accepted by all of them, though I did turn down Georgia Tech due to another equally qualified applicant was next in line who had not had a summer experience. To my surprise, UGA’s chemistry department actually called my advisor at Piedmont looking for me and accepted me quite early on, guaranteeing a nice stipend for my short nine week stay. I accepted their offer and began looking for a roommate in Athens, eventually settling in with a nice ecology Ph.D. grad student with whom I get along quite well.

I have been working with a very kind, intelligent professor who specializes in protein NMR and, more specifically, systems involved with breast cancer evolution. The work is intriguing, challenging, and, as with all jobs, has its monotonous moments, though I would not trade my time here for anything; it is also quite rewarding. I have learned so much from my two summers of research, and I hope that these will better prepare me for what may lie ahead in my academic career. My research advisor here wants me to present this project at the regional meeting of the American Chemical Society at Greenville, SC in October. I look forward to it, not only for presenting, but also for networking. I’ll definitely be taking copies of my CV for graduate recruiters.

In other news, I have been volunteering both my time and what little money I have (starving student) to three regional animal shelters, and I plan to continue volunteering to walk dogs and clean pens this coming school year. I have sponsored over eight dogs and cats by paying adoption fees and medical bills, most of which have been adopted to good homes soon thereafter. There are few things that I have found that are more rewarding than working with the animals, and I am sure that they will play a large part in my future, independent of my chosen career path.

I am still the luckiest person alive when it comes to family; they are relentless supporters of any cause I wish to pursue and I cannot be more grateful. The more people I meet in life, the more I am amazed by my parents and grandparents. My paternal grandfather has not been well the past year or so, his health declining due to emphysema. This has been very hard for us all because he has very good days and very bad day. He seems to obsess over death and consistently brings up the will and what will be left for all of us. He serves as the major inspiration for my love of science (he was a chemist for years), so it has been difficult for me to come to terms with his condition, though I am sure that The Man Upstairs has everything taken care of.

Last but certainly not least, I have fallen in love. Jeremy and I have been dating for two years now, and I don’t know what I ever did without him. He is my best friend, and he is such a blessing to me. He has seen both my bright and dark days, and, still, he loves me for me. We have grown to be able to laugh at each other, and also to be there for each other through harder times. I appreciate everything he does for me, and I cannot say enough good things about him. I especially appreciate his supportive attitude regarding my academics–he has always pressed that I should do what makes me happy, no matter the details. 

In closing, I’d like to say that I hope you and your family are well. I think about you all often. Let me know what you’ve been up to when you get a moment!

Much love,

Savannah

–
Savannah Johnson
Piedmont College”The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail,
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.”

“The Chemistry Department is located near the Psychology Department for
good reason.”  - Allisha Ray (2003)

“The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance – the idea that anything is possible.” — Ray Bradbury

Inside Out

So, I spent most of last week with family, friends, and Jeremy. The Fourth fireworks made me tear up. As does everything else. 

Jeremy took me to visit the relatives in Charleston this weekend. I had a good time, though I worried that he just drove all weekend. But I was happy to get to see my relatives there. I just wish we could have stayed longer.

I hate how whiny I have become. And how I cry at the drop of a hat. I can no longer control my anxiety. I know I have a pretty blessed life and pretty much nothing to complain about, but I can’t seem to pull myself out of these feelings of self-hate, guilt, and melancholia. I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment. I need some help, whether it be some chemical imbalance or whatever. This has just been going on too long. I thought I could make it go away. I thought I could fix it just by putting on a happy face. That helped a bit–the whole positive thinking thing–but it has gotten worse in the past year. Most of my days are average, but only just, and that is not right. That’s not how it is supposed to be.

I hate having to feel happy for everyone else’s benefit–to put on a fake smile. I want to feel like my old self again. I want to be able to enjoy things again. I have so very much to be thankful for but I feel cheated out of them by this pessimism and extreme anxiety. Life is so beautiful. Why can’t I experience that and feel it like so many others do?

Most of all, I hate what my moods do to Jeremy. He is my best friend and the man I love the most. I cannot stand for him to feel that he can never make me happy. He does so much for me–more than I will ever deserve. He is such a blessing, and I know that this is hurting him, too. 

I have tried to manage this on my own, but I have so much trouble with it–more than anyone may realize. And it’s something I really don’t feel comfortable discussing with…well…anyone, really. I know that it’s my burden to bear, but I am tired of feeling ashamed and alone. It has really gotten to me this past year.  

I just want to let Jeremy know that he truly DOES make me happy and that this is not his fault in any way. I believe that we are responsible for our own happiness in life, and he is my happiness. I want to be able to show him this rather than it being masked or marred by this insatiable gloom.

God, I want it for myself, too. And my family. We all deserve better than this thing I have become. And I don’t want it. I want to be better. I really do.

Athens has been harder than Pittsburgh in so many ways. Or maybe it’s just a fifth life crisis. I’m not sure. But I will not let it get me, whatever has brought this on.

More later. Going to sleep on this.

Athens, Weddings and Funerals

This past week was both good and stressful. I spent Monday with Heather down in Loganville. It was great to see her again–I really miss having her around. She had a good trip to Hawaii and we got to catch up on lots of things. I drove home late that night but made it alright.

I ran errands on Tuesday. On Wednesday, I went down to Loganville again to help my grandmother with her computer and to visit her. Then, I drove over to Athens to look at apartments. I’m going back with Jeremy this coming Tuesday evening. Hopefully, I’ll have something definite lined up by the end of this week. 

Thursday, I went to look for a dress to wear to Darren’s wedding. Found some really good deals on clothes. Jeremy and I went over to my folk’s house to cook out with them–it was really good to see Stephen and Mark, too. The food was great, too!

Friday, Jeremy and I got up and left for Macon, but not before seeing a huge bear in his yard (we’ve got a few that come around now). I’ll post pictures soon. We made it through the traffic down I-75 and got to our hotel. We went over to the 1842 Inn for the rehearsal and then out to eat with the whole gang. We met some really great folks and had a great time. The next morning, I went to the nail place with Darren’s sister, Amy, and the girls. It was hilarious. They are such nuts. The wedding was beautiful, though I did find myself having extremely mixed feelings about the whole ordeal. Well, not so much about Darren and Shell–I am so very happy for them. But just about weddings in general. Well…lately I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about marriage in general. I’ll leave that for its own entry.

We got back late last night and this morning Bobby called Jeremy to tell us that his dad had passed away. It’s really sad. We thought he’d be better by now. We’re going over to the funeral home tomorrow to show him some support. We’re thinking about him. R.I.P. Bob Valentine.

It’s a beautiful day and I want to go be outside.

The Science Picnic and Grades

Let’s just say that the past week has been both really tough and really good all at the same time. I survived my finals and I have officially moved out of the dorms (a chore in and of itself). I have quite a few things to get done in the next few weeks, but I think that I will take the next few days to chill out a little. I haven’t seen much of my family lately, so I am really looking forward to being able to hang out with them now. The Stockbridge Johnsons have moved up here now, so I’ll be seeing more of them!

Today was our annual Honors Science Picnic in Demorest Park. It was fun–Dad was able to come. Good thing, too, since he would have missed some good barbecue. Haha. It smelled good, anyways. We got to see Dr. Elrod, Dr. Carrigan, and the rest of the wacky, but loveable, science faculty. Rob was there WITHOUT his labcoat! It was odd to see him without it. I think everyone had a good time, and it was nice to talk to Dave and Wally since I probably won’t get to on Saturday at graduation. I’m gonna miss those guys! I know they’re off to bigger and better things, though, so I’m happy for them both.

Also, more good news. I went by the registrar’s office out of curiousity to see if all of my grades had posted yet…and here they be.

Instrumental Analysis - A
Organic Chemistry II – A
Biochemistry - A
Calculus III - B

I’m really happy with those! Not so much on the B, but it’s better than the C I thought I’d make!  And besides, my core classes are definitely most important to me. Still, not bad for such a grueling semester. I’m just glad I made it through. I really enjoyed biochem in a sick, nerdy way and I know that it will really help me out for my summer experience. I enjoyed Rob’s teaching, too. Always amusing AND informative.

I have been really weirded out the past few months. Partly because I’m a senior now and it’s beginning to dawn on me that I have to start thinking about my post-grad plans and partly because everyone and their brother’s cousin’s turtle’s sister’s best friend is getting married or pregnant or whatever. I talked with Wally today about his engagement and they’re waiting until she gets done with school and he gets a bit of his grad work done–about two years. And suddenly, I began to feel alright about things. It was as if something had clicked in my mind. It’s OKAY to want all of these things–it’s great to want these things–but it’s also perfectly fine to want to wait to finish school (or at least part of grad school in Wally’s case). I felt much better after hearing him talk about it–not just because he’s a good friend, but because he’s someone else who’s caught up in that particular dilemma like myself. It’s so nice to be in a group of people that are supportive about waiting–most of my other friends are not in that mindset.

It just felt good this afternoon to be a geek and for it to be okay. I had a good time. And tomorrow I get to see my family.

On that, I leave you with my quote of the day…

“Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.”
Albert Einstein, quoted in New York Times, March 13, 1940