Optimism? Maybe.

I am alive. Just tired. And stressed.

But it will get better. It will.

Who Knows…

The longer I am in school, the more stupid I seem to become. Today is one of those days when I feel incredibly inept. I feel that I am so slow at doing labwork and I can’t seem to focus adequately enought to help others. I hope the feeling passes because it causes me great stress, anxiety and fear. Why do I do this to myself?

I don’t know. I don’t like it. I was doing so well. I’ve got to get back on the horse, so to speak. And quick.

Maybe I’m overwhelmed. And sad. Yes, I guess that’s it.

Some days I just really don’t want to get out of bed and face people. I know that I have irrational social anxieties, but I can normally keep them in check. Sometimes it seems to flare up, though, and I go from my normal helpful, usually cheerful self to a ultra-sensitive (REALLY supersensitive) recluse that doesn’t want to deal with others.

Am I losing my mind?

Erg.

We’re supposed to get a “wintry mix” later tonight. Hopefully, I’ll be in bed by then and won’t have to worry about it.

I need to get in touch with Alima again. I miss her.

Jeremy’s aunt passed away today, so he will be going with his folks to the funeral sometime soon. I feel for them.

I need to finish my Calculus and then study my chemistries. I don’t know what dinner holds for me. I don’t feel like going to the dining hall. Blah.

More later.

Good Ole Dog

My dog of thirteen years is ill and not feeling well lately. She had some weird seizures this morning and has some growths on her body that do not bode well. I don’t know if she’ll last very much longer, but we’ll try to make her comfortable and happy. 

And I can’t wait to see Jeremy again. It’ll be soon. 

I have classes from nine to noon tomorrow and then it’s off to study and work out before coming back to crash. I think I’ll go to bed extra early tomorrow night.

Look Busy

So, I’ve gotten a lot done today. Finished some work, went to class all morning, ate some lunch, studied, went home to pick some stuff up, and then went walking/jogging before coming back to the dorm. I actually did two miles, which is pretty good for myself. I’m usually a big couch potato, but I’m trying to lose a few more pounds. 

I also scheduled graduate school visits to both Clemson University and Georgia Tech. And I also emailed quite a few profs today. It’s been a good day for communication, I suppose. 

I received my biochemistry books in the mail today, and I am both pleased and excited about the class. I think it will be difficult, but definitely not boring. I am still waiting on my analytical chemistry book, but it should get in soon. That class is also quite interesting.

I can’t wait for Jeremy to get home on Friday. It’s not nearly as fun without him around. 

Stuff for my own use:
Clemson
Dev Arya
Gautam Bhattacharyya
Julia Brumaghim
Ken Christensen
Jason McNeill
Rhett Smith
Ya-Ping Sun

Frustration

Why can’t I just be happy for people? Sometimes I feel like the only one of my high school friends who isn’t engaged, married, pregant or any combination thereof, and it irritates the piss out of me to have to listen to people go on and on about it. It’s like an exclusive club that they form wherein they don’t talk to others who are not defined by one of the said catagories.

It’s ridiculous. And I find myself rocking back and forth between disgust, self doubt and jealousy. And I know better than that, I really do. There’s nothing wrong with NOT being engaged, married, pregnant or any combination thereof. I don’t know why I have such odd feelings about it, but I do. I just want to smack the next person who mentions to me that “they’re expecting” or “they’re planning the wedding” or “they’re enjoying married life.”

I really should just be happy for people. Perhaps my feelings are brought on by feeling left out, and knowing that I have things (hopefully good opportunities to better myself and help others) ahead of me that will certainly be hindering the ”engagedmarriedpregnancyfamily” part of my life for quite some time. Not that I don’t want those things–believe me, I truly do. I’d love to be able just to settle down and start a family. But I have a feeling that my life will not be that simple. And I know that the Man Upstairs has a plan for me, but sometimes I wish things were that simple.  

I feel angry and like scum all at the same time. Because I should wish my friends well for their engagements, weddings, and pregnancies. Those are great events. Just great events that I am not sure I will be taking part in in this millenia, it seems.

I disappoint myself sometimes. I hate when I get these feelings. Get over yourself. Be humble, be glad, be grateful. 

Homework Already

I have been back to school for only two days and already I have plenty of homework. I really am looking forward to this semester, though–all of my classes are really interesting. Especially biochemistry. I think it’s going to be a lot of work, but worthwhile.

My car battery died yesterday morning, so I had to go get a new one. My car is alive again. I am going to get my stuff together and go over to Jeremy’s house to work on homework until he gets home from work. I think we’ll stay in to watch a movie. He’s going off to a class next week, so I want to see him while I can.

More later.

My Current Schedule

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
9AM-9:50AM Biochemistry with Wainberg 10AM-11AM Calculus III with Montgomery 11AM-11:50AM Instrumental Analysis with Carrigan 2:30PM-5:30PM Instrumental Lab	9:30AM-10:45AM Organic Chemistry with Elrod 2:30PM-5:30PM Organic Lab with Elrod	9AM Biochemistry with Wainberg 10AM-11AM Calculus III with Montgomery 11AM-11:50AM Instrumental Analysis with Carrigan	9:30AM-10:45AM Organic Chemistry with Elrod  2:30PM-3:30PM Calculus III Lab	9AM Biochemistry with Wainberg 10AM-11AM Calculus III with Montgomery 11AM-11:50AM Instrumental Analysis with Carrigan